MERRY XMAS!

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Hey guys! Here's a quick X-Mas toon and another option to vote for. I hope the holidays are treating everyone well. Happy holidays to you and yours from Milwaukee!!!
xoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxo -Knave

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Olympic Endurance Survival! By Nick B.

Steve: “Good evening sports fans! You join us in the second of the semi-finals of the Olympic Endurance Survival, with the United States facing off against Jamaica the tipped favourites to take the gold. Jamaica have named an unchanged squad in this semi-final, while the States have drafted in young Jennifer Pollock to give the states some attacking momentum And you join us just as the debutante is coming into the attack! Let’s have a glance at the teams first.”

Jamaican Olympic 8 American Olympic 8

1. Leslie Symonds 1. Thomas Green

2. Henri Le Roux 2. Andy Fitzgerald

3. Pat Marshall 3. Patrick Donaldson

4. Carlton Simmons 4. Michael Taylor

5. Abrianna Grey 5. Emile Hicks

6. Taheisha Dixon 6. Emily Pinehearst

7. Nikkya Campbell 7. Serena Jacobs

8. Evie Powell 8. Jennifer Pollock

Steve: “ We have some time before this third and final session of American punting gets under way so if this is the first time you’ve seen Endurance Survival at the Olympics you may be at a loss as to how the competition is played. Well, lucky viewers, you’re in for a treat because it’s over to our very own Paulina Yung with an outline of the rules and how to score. Over to you Paulina.”

Paulina: “Thanks Steve. Now while the sport owes its pitch to the triple jump and its scoring style to Cricket, ES is at heart a struggle of the sexes!

A team is made up of 8 men and women, how that breaks down is up to each individual team – the only rule being that the team cannot be entirely male or entirely female. The women on the team are the punters and the men on the team are the receivers! Now in any one session each girl has 6 punts that she must deliver in succession. She will run barefoot down our soft surface run-up before delivering her punt into the groin of one of the other teams receivers, the rule here being that she can’t launch into her kick any less than a yard from the receiver with a line marking the ditance.

Now it is up to the girls to score their teams points and up to the guys to deny their opponents points, points are scored on the basis of how well the receivers endure the punts. At the side of the official standing position a pole is suspended running horizontally in line with the man’s waist. Are you following this sports fans?

1 Point is awarded if the girl can deliver a punt that takes the man’s chest below that pole, like for example if he were gagging in pain!”

Steve: “Ouch Paulina!”

Paulina: “Hehe, now up to four additional points may be awarded for every point of contact with the ground other than the feet of the receiver – the likely candidates being arms and knees. Ten points are awarded in the rare event of a punter rupturing one or both of the receiver’s balls. Finally at the end of every six punts a team may change their receiver provided they have enough men. The only time a receiver may be changed during the six punts is if either the receiver is rendered unconscious - in which case the full five points for debilitation are awarded - or if a ball is busted for good in which case new balls please! Back to you Steve.”

Steve: “Thanks Paulina, for that scintillating overview. Well the match so far has gone all the way of the Jamaicans. The Americans are fielding a balanced team of receivers and punters but so far Jamaica’s opener Leslie Symonds has taken 12 punts and has only conceded 2 points! He has handily survived two sessions and he has signalled to his team mates that he is happy to take the third – brave but we’ll soon see how that works out for him. Walking up to the run up now is the US’s surprise inclusion – 19 year old Jennifer Pollock – a sylph like blonde who hails from Michigan. Can she

produce the goods where her team mates have failed? Emily Pinehearst the fiery red-head who opened the punting for America was furious with herself for failing to score in her session, and with Jacobs only scoring two all the pressure is on their final punter.”

Paulina: “Absolutely Steve, she’ll be nervous but she looks up for it. She’s marked her run-up and she dashing in now. Symonds stands proud and tall. She takes a single jump, lands with her feet behind the line and launches into her first Olympic kick. There’s the single thumping sound of foot on genitals but Symonds isn’t phased!”

Steve: “Not a great opening punt from the youngster and the Jamaican knows it. That kick was short and Pollock ends up slapping the underside of Symonds cock – that won’t hurt a seasoned pro like him one jot. She has to be careful here, Symonds is staring her down. He’ll look to dominate her here, get her confidence down and try and force another mistake. Her team needs her here, Pollock can’t afford another mis-cued punt!”

Paulina: “She certainly can’t steve. Pollock is trudging back to her starting mark – you can tell she’s livid with herself. Hands on hips, now she’s taking a moment just to settle her nerves and focus on her training and the length of her kicks.”

Steve: “While she’s working her game out let’s just take a moment to appreciate the technology in this sport.”

Paulina: “Really? You want to talk about the technology?”

Steve: “People unfamiliar with the sport may well see the guys as nothing short of sitting ducks, standing stationary waiting for a kick to the nuts in tight Speedo’s. But believe it or not these Speedos’s do help – these taut pieces of underwear are tailored to keep testicles and penis all in a relatively fixed position. This allows the athletes to move their bodies at the last moment, changing the angle at which a punt is delivered and hopefully minimising damage and pain. Interestingly there are also tiny microphones stitched into the lining of these sporting briefs to give the umpires all the extra data they need to help make decisions and rulings.”

Paulina: “Fascinating Steve, but its time to focus on the competition. Pollock has settled and is ready to run in. She looks determined, she’s bouncing in now. She jumps, lands and launches into her kick – and buries her foot into Symonds crotch! Forget the analysis his face tells the story, he wasn’t expecting this! Pollock lands perfectly and moves out of the way – just in time to see those balls sag back down to the bottom of those packed Speedo’s. Oh and Symonds is sinking down! His knees are down! And the rest of his body soon follows suit! Amazing! One of the female umpires is running in, that’s definitely 5 points to the States – she’ll have a quick inspection while the stars and stripes wait to see if they’ll get anymore points...”

Steve: “I doubt it but would you believe it, the American debutante is only two punts in and already she’s bagged the prize scalp of opener Leslie Symonds. The rhythm of her first run in wasn’t quite right but she’s banged it in this time! What a body blow that is to this Jamaican team who had been looking on track for the final, until this moment. Let’s see it again. Here’s the replay. Pollock runs in with such enthusiasm and bounce…”

Paulina: “Watch the kick Steve, look at that full straight extension of the leg, what I like is that she’s completely committed to the kick. Some punters bend their legs slightly so they can get a better landing to avoid sprains, but they don’t get as much contact. Pollock follows through completely – and you can see the results, her instep crushes Symonds balls against his body! We’ve just received confirmation from the umpires: both balls are intact but Symonds is unconscious from the punt, that means the next receiver will have to come in and face Pollock! What a result for the states! Next in is Henri Le Roux another veteran of the team… why don’t you throw us some stats Steve?”

Steve: “Sure thing Paulina. Le Roux is another towering member of the Jamaican team coming at 6ft 2. He’s only 25 and remarkably for this sport his spouse bats on the same team the lovely firm legged Taheisha Dixon. He slots into the team at number 2, he’ll be apprehensive after seeing how the debutante laid out Symonds – but he’ll also realise that they’ve only conceded 7 points with 6 punts to

go and the luscious Jamaican quintet of punters will fancy their chances of topping that score easily! Before that though Le Roux has to navigate these last few punts to see his team to safety.”

Paulina: “Well I wouldn’t bet in his favour just yet. Pollock looks like she wants to make these four punts count, she takes a moment to tie back that long amber hair, she’s ready, and she’s off. Le Roux looks to be bating her, giving her a clear swing at his balls, she jumps and launches into her kick. Perfect! Another exceptional kick there from young Pollock and Le Roux has played it well. He nods his appreciation of the kick to Pollock but she’ll be annoyed with that, she’s fishing for points not respect. Replays show Le Roux plays her late by tilting his hips and the punters kick just misses the testis and slaps into his perineum. That’s why he looks a little winded but it won’t have hurt him much. This is first class sport we’re seeing here! 3 down 3 to go! Pollock is running in again and Le Roux goes for the same trick, tilting those able hips the other way this time, but Pollock reads and kicks with it and her foot squashes those balls against his thigh. Le Roux is in pain now but he keeps himself upright and saves the points.”

Steve: “This Jamaican team have been impressive all the way through the competition, there are some real class acts here and Le Roux is no exception. He knows how to avoid a hit and he knows how to take a hit. It’s only Pollock’s determination that can claw the States back into this game. 2 punts to go what has she got left?”

Paulina: “Pollock is starting off a shortened run up here, it’s a legal tactic – can it pay dividends? She jumps and she launches herself into that punt! Le Roux’s sizeable pouch disappears from view entirely! We have six cameras trained on him and none of them can spot the poor boys abused manhood. Oh my gosh, incredibly he’s still standing. Pollock would be furious but she can see the pain Le Roux is in. Success for Pollock from what was a very risky kick – she could easily have injured herself with a poor landing there – but Le Roux is looking very vulnerable now with one punt to face….”

Steve: “Sorry to interrupt Paulina but just look at the Jamaican dug-out! Look at the worry on Taheisha Dixon’s face! There was a lot of media speculation prior to this tournament that Jamaica’s second punter was trying to conceive with fiancée Henri Le Roux.”

Paulina: “Well Steve if Taheisha was trying to get pregnant she has good reason to be worried, Pollock is steaming in here and her man’s babymakers are right in the cross-hairs! Pollock is waiting patiently at the end of her run-up again, she’s only been in the spotlight for a few minutes but already she looks like she’s been in the sport for years. And at the other end it’s Le Roux who is looking tired and under pressure. But even I have to say I’m impressed – the strain is so visible but he still hasn’t conceded any points. Hmmm, I wonder what Taheisha cares about more Olympic gold or a bun in the oven? Over to you Steve!”

Steve: “Forgive that momentary crudeness ladies and gentlemen. Ahem, there’s one punt left in this last American session can they make it stick?”

Paulina: “Count on it Steve – Pollock has a glint in her eye as she glides in for her final punt, jumps and this time it’s a far more orthodox kick and Le Roux is in trouble once more!”

Steve: “You talked about technique earlier Paulina, well this is worth seeing again. The replay shows Le Roux plays Pollock late and at the last moment you see him lean forwards, bringing his cock down and his balls out of the way. Well he had the right idea but so did the American! This time her leg is bent as she punts and it looks like Pollock may have just caught his balls with the tips of her toes. Clever tactic if it was intentional, those glancing hits can be surprisingly painful; she really softened the Jamaican no.2 up and then she hit him with something he wasn’t expecting at all. Finally the Jamaican giant sinks down onto one knee and he’s in extreme physical discomfort here. He’s certainly conceded two points there – the umpires will have a quick inspection to see if that is all – either way the Americans are sitting pretty on the modest score of 9.”

Paulina: “I think we should direct our viewers attention to that dug-out again Steve!”

Steve: “Taheisha looks like she’s almost in hysterics in the Jamaican dugout. The Chinese umpire Lucy Lee is coming across now. Its impossible to see anything clearly but she’s crouching over Jamaica’s number 2 and checking to see if he is still intact as a man; and after a moment of casual probing she

signals an “OK” with both hands – that will be a big relief for Taheisha. Pollock will have to wait a little longer before she scores any 10s!”

Paulina: “True enough Steve and it leaves this match finely balanced as well…”

Steve: “Relief. Palpable relief on the faces of the Jamaican players and especially on the face of that woman: Taheisha Dixon. And there are two big thumbs up for her man, Henri has survived the onslaught of the in form American Pollock and he may well have set his team up nicely here…”

Paulina: “Wait a minute Steve, in the commotion after that last punt no one noticed the line umpire raising the red flag – Jamaica are in uproar they’re disputing this – this could well be a dead-punt. The umpires will refer to video evidence but if Le Roux took his feet off the ground before Pollock delivered the punt it will be considered a ‘dead-punt’ and he will have to face a seventh punt from Pollock! Remember, receivers are allowed to move their bodies and they can even lift their feet up but only after the punter has launched into her kick. Pollock won’t mind but Le Roux certainly won’t have been counting on this.”

Steve: “Well the replay is in…”

Paulina: “Shocking, absolutely shocking Steve, the replay shows Le Roux’s left foot clearly comes off the ground a few centimeters, a second before the punt is delivered. That’s a big mistake. It’s all smiles in the American camp now – this is a big bonus for them. Jennifer looks focused and is already at the end of her run up – her team will be delighted with her performance already but if she can get something extra here they will fancy their chances. America are already back into contention here, what can young Pollock conjure now?”

Steve: “There’s booing in the crowds – Le Roux doesn’t want to face this final punt – he’s dragging his feet up to the standing block. Pollock is really psyched up. The atmosphere from both sides is intense.”

Paulina: “Pollock is off slowly but gaining momentum. She’s running in with real intent now. She jumps and she delivers the punt! And oh goodness! There was an extra noise there! Yes! She’s got him! Young Jennifer Pollock has cut right through Le Roux and he’s gone straight down! He’s not unconscious but I’m sure he wishes he was. The umpires don’t even need to inspect this. Taheisha is distraught, her team-mates are trying to console her but they’re all thinking the same thing: Le Roux’s child siring abilities have been put to bed permanently. That was an absolutely lethal kick from Pollock! She’s delighted and I think she must have felt with her foot what everyone else suspects, she’s celebrating with her team mates they know they’re almost in the final. You’re looking a little pale at the proceedings Steve!”

Steve: “Uhh, terrible blow that for Jamaica. Some of the Jamaican team are still holding out hope but I’m afraid the sound replay from Le Roux’s Speedo’s removes all doubt. There are clearly two noises the first is Pollock’s foot thundering in and the second is the tell-tale ‘pop’ that leaves Jamaica’s Olympic charge in tatters. If we look at the video replay we can see that Le Roux gets himself into trouble early - he hadn’t planned on this seventh punt – he tries to move his hips far too soon, Pollock sees it and she just adjusts her kick. The low camera shot shows it clearly Le Roux can’t get out of the way; the Jamaican’s jewels are trapped firmly between the full instep from Pollock and his own pubic bone and there’s nowhere to go from there. The perfect punt really. America may have only fielded three punters but they have set Jamaica the formidable target of 19."

Paulina: “I think you’ll agree what tense session this has been! Back now to you in the studio!”